It has been quite a while since I've really picked up a book and read. About time I started again.
Just put down "Safe Haven". I've never read a Sparks book. When Hubby and I first started dating, we saw "The Notebook" and loved it. But, I'm not really a mushy book reader, so I hadn't picked up any of his other works. This story hit a personal note for me, though, and I was able to move beyond the mushy.
The book tells the story of Katie, a woman trying to escape from her abusive husband, and her journey to heal herself and find love again.
I've experienced violence in marriage, it is a very difficult topic to approach and to describe without getting sucked into unnecessary back story and nonsense. Sparks takes a very direct route to abuse, and delves into the psychology behind it. We come to understand the fear that a woman feels when her husband becomes so dominating that he crosses that line. He also ventures into the tightrope an abuser walks between love for himself and hatred for others, verses love of others and hatred of himself.
If I had known that Sparks wrote this much psychology into his stories, I probably would have read him sooner, and I will be reading more of him in the future. I had a lot of self-reflection while reading this. Things that I could have done to stop the abuse, things that he could have done to not be that way. Ways we could have resolved the situation before it became as bad as it did. Could we have fixed it? Who knows. But we might not have gotten that close to killing each other.
Thank you, Nicholas Sparks ... I needed that experience. I needed that closure.
Friday, March 25, 2011
Returning to me
Bless me, Blogger.com, for I have sinned. It has been more than three months since my last blog. In that time, I have read other blogs, written on a few other pages, commented randomly, and even written in an actual journal - with real paper and pen.
I wonder how many blogs I'll have to write to make penance? Eek.
Writing for me comes in waves. It has taken me a while to come to terms with the fact that I have a lot to say, but I don't always say it correctly, and I don't always have time to say it. That has been my issue the past few months.
My job. In February of 2010, I started doing some admin work for the courier company my father worked for. It began as part time, with big promises for something big further down the road. I spent more than a year going up and down in hours, stressing out about the stupidest things, and having days where I did nothing but fight with my dad. But, a job is a job, and in the economy none of us can afford to hate our jobs. After a year, I was asked to leave. I'm not really sure why, to be honest. I think some of it had to do with the budget, but there was some wonky stuff going on, and I think I got caught in the crossfire.
But all clouds have silver linings. While our primary source of income is now gone, I realize just how much I had missed with my children. We're behind where I want to be in homeschooling - not BEHIND... just behind where I WANT to be. The house is disorganized and chaotic. I love my husband more than life itself, but he just does not make a good stay-at-home-mom. So, now he's out looking for work.
The children. Keep me insane. In fact, I think they prefer me there. I think they think its more fun if Mommy is losing it completely. Little do they know just how close I am! We've been dealing with some major issues this year, and it seems like they're all coming to a head at once. The older two are lying like its their job. About stupid things, too. Yesterday:
Me: Red, did you give Sir Smiley an orange like I asked?
Red: Yes.
Me: Are you sure? He doesn't smell all orangey.
Red: Mom, seriously? I wouldn't deny him food. Of COURSE I gave him an orange.
Me: He isn't sticky either. Red, please don't lie about this, I've already had enough this week.
Red: (screaming) I'm not lying!!!
Me: Oh yeah? Then where are the orange peels?
Red: In the trashcan!!
Me: Show me. (and of course, there are no peels) .... So, did you lie?
Red: (muttering) Yes.
Me: .... well ... ok, it isn't important what I said at this point, but it might have involved me saying something about losing my shitake mushrooms.
I just don't get it. Yes, I understand that children are going to test the envelope and push my lines by trying to get out of stuff, and that will include lying. But do you have to be so dense to lie about something that is so easy to prove? *eyeroll*
Medical issues. My kids were all born healthy and happy and in perfect condition with 9's on their Apgars and four gorgeous heads full of hair. And they all did fine ... until now. And now I'm spending the entire months of March and April going back and forth and back and forth seeing all of these doctors and specialists and its making me freaking tired. I am so very grateful that there is nothing serious. None of them have holes in their heart, or cancer, or any number of other scary things that would keep us up at night with fear and tears. They just have a lot of pesky things that are time consuming and bothersome.
Red has never grown out of wetting the bed. But, now we have a reason ... it turns out he has sleep apnea. Princess is healthy, just a girl on the edge of tween-ism, and that's scary enough. Fluffyhead Diva is facing surgery on her eyes because she has strabisimis (cross-eyed). Sir Smiley still isn't speaking at 22 months and is being seeing for a developmental delay, and he also might have to have tubes put into his ears for chronic ear infections. As we deal with their appointments over the coming months, I'll get into more detail. But this past month alone, we've had several visits to various doctors just to figure out what's going on with them.
The diet. I've recently started to get healthier. I have good weeks and bad weeks, and my progress is slow. But for the first time in my life, I'm actually motivated and have a REAL support system in place. That's worth its weight in gold.
In fact ... my gym buddy just pulled up for an afternoon workout, so I must go. But, I will end with this. I'm not always going to be consistent in my writing, but I miss it. And I will start writing more often, because even though I don't always have time to write, and even though I'm not always sure of what I'm saying ... eventually it all has to be said, and I think I sometimes say it very well.
It is GREAT to be back!!
I wonder how many blogs I'll have to write to make penance? Eek.
Writing for me comes in waves. It has taken me a while to come to terms with the fact that I have a lot to say, but I don't always say it correctly, and I don't always have time to say it. That has been my issue the past few months.
My job. In February of 2010, I started doing some admin work for the courier company my father worked for. It began as part time, with big promises for something big further down the road. I spent more than a year going up and down in hours, stressing out about the stupidest things, and having days where I did nothing but fight with my dad. But, a job is a job, and in the economy none of us can afford to hate our jobs. After a year, I was asked to leave. I'm not really sure why, to be honest. I think some of it had to do with the budget, but there was some wonky stuff going on, and I think I got caught in the crossfire.
But all clouds have silver linings. While our primary source of income is now gone, I realize just how much I had missed with my children. We're behind where I want to be in homeschooling - not BEHIND... just behind where I WANT to be. The house is disorganized and chaotic. I love my husband more than life itself, but he just does not make a good stay-at-home-mom. So, now he's out looking for work.
The children. Keep me insane. In fact, I think they prefer me there. I think they think its more fun if Mommy is losing it completely. Little do they know just how close I am! We've been dealing with some major issues this year, and it seems like they're all coming to a head at once. The older two are lying like its their job. About stupid things, too. Yesterday:
Me: Red, did you give Sir Smiley an orange like I asked?
Red: Yes.
Me: Are you sure? He doesn't smell all orangey.
Red: Mom, seriously? I wouldn't deny him food. Of COURSE I gave him an orange.
Me: He isn't sticky either. Red, please don't lie about this, I've already had enough this week.
Red: (screaming) I'm not lying!!!
Me: Oh yeah? Then where are the orange peels?
Red: In the trashcan!!
Me: Show me. (and of course, there are no peels) .... So, did you lie?
Red: (muttering) Yes.
Me: .... well ... ok, it isn't important what I said at this point, but it might have involved me saying something about losing my shitake mushrooms.
I just don't get it. Yes, I understand that children are going to test the envelope and push my lines by trying to get out of stuff, and that will include lying. But do you have to be so dense to lie about something that is so easy to prove? *eyeroll*
Medical issues. My kids were all born healthy and happy and in perfect condition with 9's on their Apgars and four gorgeous heads full of hair. And they all did fine ... until now. And now I'm spending the entire months of March and April going back and forth and back and forth seeing all of these doctors and specialists and its making me freaking tired. I am so very grateful that there is nothing serious. None of them have holes in their heart, or cancer, or any number of other scary things that would keep us up at night with fear and tears. They just have a lot of pesky things that are time consuming and bothersome.
Red has never grown out of wetting the bed. But, now we have a reason ... it turns out he has sleep apnea. Princess is healthy, just a girl on the edge of tween-ism, and that's scary enough. Fluffyhead Diva is facing surgery on her eyes because she has strabisimis (cross-eyed). Sir Smiley still isn't speaking at 22 months and is being seeing for a developmental delay, and he also might have to have tubes put into his ears for chronic ear infections. As we deal with their appointments over the coming months, I'll get into more detail. But this past month alone, we've had several visits to various doctors just to figure out what's going on with them.
The diet. I've recently started to get healthier. I have good weeks and bad weeks, and my progress is slow. But for the first time in my life, I'm actually motivated and have a REAL support system in place. That's worth its weight in gold.
In fact ... my gym buddy just pulled up for an afternoon workout, so I must go. But, I will end with this. I'm not always going to be consistent in my writing, but I miss it. And I will start writing more often, because even though I don't always have time to write, and even though I'm not always sure of what I'm saying ... eventually it all has to be said, and I think I sometimes say it very well.
It is GREAT to be back!!
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