Farewell 2011!

This has been an incredibly long year for me. Like most people, I have spent much of the past few days reflecting on the events of this past year, and how they have affected me. Am I still the same person I was last year? I don't think so. I'd like to think I'm a little wiser, and a little stronger, and a little more confident in myself. Confidence. Confidence is a funny thing, isn't it? It isn't something you learn, like riding a bike. You're either born with a natural ability to grow it - like great hair - or you're not. I think I had confidence as a child, but I went through years of people brow-beating it out of me. I was made to depend less on myself and more on other people. My entire being became dependent on what others thought of me, and how I could make myself more likable. Over the years, I've exhausted myself just trying to please everyone else. But not in 2011. I stopped caring. I don't care what everyone else thinks. It is not my job to please everyone, not to mention that it is impossible. In this new year, I want to change the focus of who I make myself better for. First and foremost has to be God. Only in Him can I find peace. Then, I need to worry about what **I** think about me. Finally, my husband. I want to shine in his eyes. This past year has been hard on us, and I know that he still loves me, our sparkle has dimmed a little under the exhaustion. I don't think my resolutions are much different than most of my peers - lose weight, contribute more to society, focus on my family, find inner happiness. But how many of us really stay true to our resolutions? Most of the time, by the end of the year, I think we're all just so busy trying to keep our head above water that we forget what we set out to do in the first place. I wonder what would happen if just for one year we erased all of the excess static in our lives and just focused on what it would take to make ourselves a little happier and a little better. Put down your dorkaphone for an afternoon and curl up with a good book, cuddle your little one, take that special someone for a nice long walk ... and what if we did that more often? Not just once in a great while, but once a week? What if, we took an hour out of our day every single day to just hear the peace? That's what I plan on accomplishing this year - finding a little bit of peace in my chaotic world. Between homeschooling, scouts, stuff with church, and all of the other balls I have flying in the air, peace is very hard to come by. But I'm determined to find it this year. Where is your peace going to be? Wherever you might find it, may God bless you in this upcoming year!!

Autism + Puberty = Hell

Call it ... the New Math. It is where I'm living today ... and most days recently. But today is especially bad. Like, I want to run screaming and yelling, sell all the kids and sail to a deserted island bad. One of the things I've accomplished over the last year is getting Red diagnosed. It was a long and arduous process, but it finally happened. [Not like it really matters now, because our health insurance got messed up and we'll have to start from scratch to get him back into services, but whatever] ... Red has Asperger's Syndrome, and his primary issues revolve around ADHD, SPD, and ODD. For those of you not well-versed in the language of random initial, all of that basically means that he's going to be defiant no matter how hard you try, and he isn't going to concentrate long even if you do, and don't touch him or play loud music because he'll freak. A few months ago, I decided I was tired of the struggle and decided I was going to put him on meds. A chance encounter with an autism specialist changed my plans, though. She told me that as autistic children, especially boys, start to reach puberty, meds can make them go completely wonky. It has to do with the change of hormones and the effects that it has mingling with the chemicals in the meds. She told me that as bad as it is, we just need to hold on until after he's gone through puberty, and then start him on something. Ugh - that's like THREE YEARS AWAY. Every single day is a fight and a struggle. He can go from unintentionally sarcastic to blatantly disrespectful in the blink of an eye. He's become a bully to the others, and he has no sense of respecting our rules at all - even though, our rules are fairly standard and not difficult to follow. His behavior is escalating every single day. He lies all the time about everything all the time. Last week, he started burning things - no actual fires, but burning plastic and stuff. Today .... well .... today was really bad. I'm just so very tired. I don't know how to fight him anymore.

Melancholy.

I'm having this feeling tonight - I'm not sure where it is coming from. I'm not in a bad mood, but not really in a good mood. I'm not feeling any anger or frustration or sadness ... but not giddy or excited or silly. Just kind of ... meh. Blah. Ugh. I started going back thru and reading my blogs again - I'm so all over the place, you'd think that I'd either learn to focus or something. Meh. Once again, it has been awhile since I've written. I think I would best be served if I stopped apologizing for my long absences. I'm really proud of the things that I write ... when I actually do sit down and write. I just know that - whatever this is - better be temporary. After a very busy couple of weeks, I need a couple of days for my brain to go into a bit of rehab, not become encumbered with more unnecessary and unfounded gobbeldy-gook. Maybe I need to find a fluffy bunny....

Even More Growth

I guess when growth starts to happen in some areas, it becomes a locomotive, gaining speed and momentum. After all of the things that took place last weekend, the week kept going - and growing.

Tuesday afternoon, Fluffyheaded Diva joined Princess for her first ever Girl Scout meeting. Wow. It seems like just yesterday that Princess and I were signing up for her first year. We'd have our meetings at my dining room table - I was the troop leader - and Fluffyheaded Diva would sit in her high chair gumming Cheerios. Now? She's the one learning the promise and the handshake. So proud of my girls...

The big huge news is Red tho... after many years of talking, praying, debating, praying, explaining, and more praying... he finally accepted Christ as his Savior. I have never been so proud of my sweet guy. For years, he's understood and believed that God sent His only Son for our salvation ... but there was a wall in his heart when it came to actually feeling that Christ didn't just come for "us" or for "people" ... but for HIM. This week, he broke down that wall. It was amazing!

Father God, I am so grateful for my children. I am so thankful that You have given them to me and trust me to love them and care for them and train them up in your ways.

I am blessed.

Growth Happens

This is seriously one of those times in my life where growth is just happening, and I've got the growing pains to prove it. I'm learning more about where I want to be in my life, and the steps I'm supposed to take to get there. I'm having a particularly difficult time dealing with the juxtaposition of knowing that I'm "supposed to be" this sophisticated mom of four children who is experienced and intelligent ... yet, I FEEL like I'm back in middle school and hugely awkward and icky. I often find myself obsessed with wondering if other people experience this feeling as well ... or is it really just me? THAT thought scares me. What if I'm the ONLY one who feels this way?!? So many of my friends just seem like they know who they are ... and I don't have a clue. What if I NEVER figure out who I am?!?

Didn't know when you clicked on my blog today that you'd be getting a huge helping of paranoid ramblings, did you? Sorry about that.

In related news, my kids are experiencing some growth of their own. Princess turned 10 this weekend. I *know*. Wasn't it just yesterday that she was learning to walk? her awesomeness is overwhelming, though, and she's every bit as independent as I was at that age. She had a tea party for her friends and her party game of choice was to play "Pin the Mustache on the Bieber". bwahahahaha

Red had a growth achievement of his own this weekend. We too him shoe shopping and he's now officially a size 7. Men's. Really? At this rate, his feet will be bigger than mine by the end of the year, and my feet aren't dainty by ANY means. He also got a laptop from my dad. I was a little iffy on this point, but Hubby went to great lengths to put all kinds of parental controls on it, and I think he'll be okay. I just don't understand how they got so big...

Growth.... part of the Fluffy Bunny plan?

Hate the Player - Not the Game

Reading this morning about the claims that Tim Tebow is a blasphemer, and the ruckus started by such a statement. I'm equally heartbroken and amazed at what has transpired.

‎To be honest, I'm still on the heels of the sermon given a few weeks ago at my church about how the Prosperity Gospel affects so many people - lures them in and deceives them. It seems as if the writer of the original story thinks this is what is going on with Tebow.

But I want to shine two really really bright lights here: It is NOT our place to judge the true heart of any person - including believers. AND - there is a huge difference in believing in the prosperity gospel ... and having a strong faith in God and having good things come to you.

I want to hang there for just a minute. Those of you that know me and love me know that I'm a DIE-HARD Gator fan. Some of us really argue about that point, but whatevs, it is what it is. I liked Tebow - primarily because he was a Gator -... I'm fickle like that. From what I've read, from what I've seen, from what I do know about him, he seems to be an upstanding kid, with a strong faith in God. He has done many charitable things, and when pushed, seems to know what he's talking about religiously. From my nosebleed seats, I would say "Christian".

Anyone who follows college football knows his skills as a quarterback. Regardless of what you think about him, he has two national titles and a Heisman. The best college QB in history? Debatable. The most amazing out there right now? Possibly. The most sensational - DEFINITELY. Sadly, though, I think its for all the wrong reasons.

But is he awesome because he's a Christian? Or is he a Christian because he's awesome? .... and that seems to be the big question at hand.

I think its EASY to be a Christian when life is going good. Whether its because your bank account ...is more black than red and you have a nice house and healthy family ... or because you're a top-round draft pick. True faith gets tested when you're homeless, dying, and life is sacking you. True faith is something that shines through no matter how difficult your circumstances are.

But does Tebow fall into that category? It is not taking into account that his parents were Christians and taking him to church before the spotlight hit him in high school as one of the best players in the country. It is not taking into account that he became a Christian before he was handed a Heisman. It is not our place to say "he's got it easy so sure its easy to give the glory to God".

You want my honest opinion? Let the next season play out however it does, and worry more about the unlawful payments to players in Miami. Let Tebow continue to show his faith in God however he chooses, and let him continue helping the charities the way he has been this entire time.

God should let fluffy bunnies play football.

Married to the 3rd Shift

Every night at about 9:30, my sweet hubby kisses me on the forehead and heads out the door to work. I am so very proud of him, and how hard he works. But, having a third-shift husband has a whole different set of challenges. In case you've never been down this road, allow me to illuminate the path for you.

This is our second stint into Third Shift World. Before my husband got laid off from his job two years ago, he worked nights. It wasn't so bad, then. Things were a little more quite and controlled. But our life is much more chaotic now, and it makes his return to third a lot more frustrating - for both of us.


Dilemma #1: What free time?

During the day, he sleeps and I run with the kids. During the evening, he's preparing for work. Our weekend is in the middle of the week, when the rest of the world still thinks we need to run on "real" time, and we still have things like doctor's appointments to keep us on our toes.


Dilemma #2: Muzzles on 2-year-olds are illegal

Red bosses around Fluffyheaded Diva and makes her scream. Fluffyheaded Diva annoys Sir Smiley and he screams. Sir Smiley gets mad at Red and hits him, and then Red yells. And so the cycle continues. All. Day. LONG. Hubby doesn't sleep nearly as deeply as he should, nor as long as he should, and I'm a ragged mess with pulled-out hair and my lips permanently pursed into the "shush" position.


Dilemma #3: Dinner for breakfast

Meals no longer make sense in this house. When Hubby walks in the door, he doesn't want bacon and eggs, he wants a cheeseburger. My tummy never knows what to expect anymore. I knew it was bad the other day when Fluffy asked for cereal and mashed potatoes. *sigh*


Dilemma #4: Writing blogs at 2:30 in the morning

Yeah, that's what time it is right now. My sleep schedule is so far from normal, I'm not sure it will ever return. No one to snuggle with, no one to make fun of stupid people on TV with, and no one to get up and shut off the lights and make sure the a/c is set on the correct temperature. I just haven't been able to sleep as well without him here lately.


*~*

All that being said, there are some silver linings ... the time that we spend together is so very much more precious than it used to be. Also, in this economy, no one really wants to argue about having a job. We can do fun things when everyone else is in work or school, and that's been a huge benefit over the years.

Too bad none of that balances out the empty side of the bed....

The Tradition of Being Broken

Last week was a devastating travesty for me. I suffered no injury, no loss. My husband and children are all healthy and safe. My parents - and Hubby's - are all still okay.

Yet ... the pain I feel is one of the most significantly hurtful times in my life. This week, I systematically shut down every single part of my life. I became hurtful and hateful and self-loathing. I morphed into a bad mommy. I don't know how my husband put up with me.

I gave up on life.

I've suffered from depression for as long as I can remember. At one point, a doctor decided I was borderline bi-polar. Never before has the disease made me so screwed up as it did this week. I became a fetid lump of rage and pain. And it was contagious, it spread to my entire family. I build myself up in my head that I am this supermom: I homeschool, we're a scouting family, we're involved in the church, blahblahblah. Yet, at the end of the week, I looked around me and saw nothing but hurt, destruction, despair and anger. My husband even missed a night of work trying to deal with all of the stupidity. No schooling got done, nothing was decided about scouting. All the talking I do about how awesome I am died a pitiful, penniless death.

I woke up this morning, and I knew that I needed to figure out how to end the emptiness. God must have known I was hurting, because He provided just the right words for me to hear from our pastor. Today's teaching was Mark 7:1-13 - wherein Christ calls the Scribes and Pharisees on the carpet for enforcing a religious tradition that isn't even biblical. We all fill our lives with things that separate us from God. Unnecessary traditions, addictions, distractions ... we all know what stands in the way of finding the comfort we need in the arms of Christ.

Realization struck. I have made a tradition of depression. It is more than an addiction now ... it is a full-fledged repetition of events in a ceremonial manner. How did I let myself fall this far? How did I create such a gaping hole in not just my relationships with my husband and children - but GOD?! I did not intend this to happen, I certainly didn't realize that it was happening. I just woke up and there it was. I have let so many things abuse my time and attention, I have let the pain and hurt in my life run me over.

It ends TODAY.

I will return to the life I wanted for myself. Homeschool will be better, Scouts will be more fun, appointments will get made, my marriage will be happier. Most importantly, my relationship with God will grow deeper. I desperately desire a better life for me and my family. I desperately desire to grow closer to my Savior. I can't have one or the other, I can have both ... as long as I put my faith in Christ - FIRST. I can have both, if I just leave my tradition of depression and pain on the side of the road. My God does not want me to hurt and to bear these burdens any more, and that is why He sent me His Son.

I can do this. In HIM, I can do anything!!!

Gearing up for a new season

I have a friend that is the ultimate soccer mom. She has four kids, and all of them play - the two older kids are already getting scouted. I have watched her for a couple of years now, driving all over the place, sometimes going in two or three different directions at one time. I've seen her try and balance a budget and take on extra work so she can pay for all the insanity.

For the last couple of years I have claimed that she is entirely out of her mind. This year, I join her in the madness.

Red is embarking on his first full year of Boy Scouts. Boy Scouts is a LOT more expensive and time-intensive than Cub Scouts ever was. The plus side, however, is that ~I~ don't have to do as much work for it. We're also bringing piano back for him, and adding in guitar. There is also a real possibility that he could be starting some sort of martial arts training, but that is still undecided.

Princess is still chugging along in Girl Scouts, and I'm excited to return this year myself. I won't be leading this year - yay - but I'll still be around and I love working with the girls. Princess has also started golfing and is doing quite well and showing real promise. She truly loves the sport and being out in the sun, and while she may not be on the LPGA Tour someday, the important thing is how much fun she has!

This is the year that the Fluffyheaded Diva rocks it out hardcore. She'll be starting Girl Scouts - in the same troop as her big sister, and she is over the moon excited! We've also decided some dance classes would do her some good - give her a little bit of focus and maybe help her with her balance. But the big thing is the pageant that she wants to do. It will be in a couple of months, and we're still a little on the fence, so we'll see. We would be doing a Natural instead of the Glitz - Toddlers and Tiaras? No thank you. We shall see how all that plays out.

Sir Smiley, of course, is still too young for any of this stuff, so I'm just going to sit back and enjoy snuggling him while the rest of the kids go crazy. At least for now. He already has an arm to rival Dan Marino, so as soon as he's old enough for football, we're going in.

The dollar signs and the driving are already making me a little sick to my stomach, and we haven't even really started yet. It is going to be a lot of fun to see how the rest of the year plays out!

When Healing Happens

Today, I'm doing a little bit of research on Christ healing the masses and it is giving me a lot of insight into my own heart.

I have done so much in my life that has caused pain. I almost destroyed myself, and I hurt so many other people around me. I have spent many years asking forgiveness - from God, from others.... from myself. But am I healed? Because some of those mistakes, I've made again. And again.

When I think of healing, I think of a scab that sometimes gets picked off over and over. How can that wound heal if I keep damaging the one thing that is supposed to be healing? When do I learn how to just be better, be stronger, be healed?

I can't sit here at this screen and find the solution to inner pain and turbulence. I don't have an easy answer for you. The only thing I can tell you is to keep trusting God. Keep praying. Eventually, the peace will come. I've seen it in my own life - in some areas. In others, I just keep picking that scab.

Gone Again...

Another 2.5 months that I've disappeared. You would think that as much as I love to write and how therapeutic it is for me, I'd be typing up never-ending diatribes daily. Yeah.... no.

So much has happened the past few months. The two littles had surgery, my dad moved in with us, craziness all around is ensuing. But, I think ... more than anything else ... my brain is just overwhelmed. I've been hurting. I've been sad. More than anything, THAT should be the reason to come back and write more. Instead, I've hidden away from one of the things that helps most.

Sometimes I just don't make no sense.

Throw me a bone, Red!

I always knew my oldest kid was going to be the death of me. I may not be dead - yet - but there are days when I think I'm very very close.

I was a single mom when I had Red. 22, in college, working full time. Completely on my own. It was scary, but I was able to find success in the role fairly quickly. But, from the very beginning, I knew he was going to be head-strong and a real challenge. 11.5 years (as of today) into his life, and he hasn't once proven anything different.

Red was very alert very quickly as a newborn. He always seemed to be trying to figure out exactly what was going on, and trying to interact with me. He tolerated affection, but only from me and my parents, he didn't want to snuggle with anyone else. He didn't mind if others held him or stayed with him, just don't try and get too close. He loved rolling over, crawling, babbling. He took awhile to walk - 17 months - but by 18 months, he was speaking in full sentences and having short conversations. By 2, we noticed some strange nuances about him, but we were never sure what to do with him. He was remembering whole chunks of music, but couldn't drink out of a straw. Red would play with Lego's for hours at a time, but couldn't throw a ball straight in front of him. It was at his 2-year appointment that his pediatrician warned me that I might have to be on the lookout for autism. I don't want to say that I didn't believe him, or that I didn't trust him. I just didn't know enough to be worried. Or maybe it was because he was doubting it, I didn't think it was a *real* warning, just the normal precautions that pediatricians give new moms.

Over the years, we would see more of his unique personality take shape and hold strong. His first true obsession was cars. In the 10 minutes it would take to drive to the grocery store, I would be nutsoid because he had named every single car between our driveway and the entrance to the store. He would compare them, discuss them, tell me what he does or does not like about each of them. He's now moved on to Star Wars, Star Trek, dinosaurs, and about a half dozen other things. His new pediatrician looked at me blankly and said, "So Red's a little savant, it will be ok." But she couldn't easily explain away him still wetting the bed - all the time - at the age of 5.

We tried Red in sports - soccer and flag football. He needs a shirt, "Does not play well with others." He just doesn't seem to grasp team sports. He's be a great coach, standing on the sidelines and barking orders, just don't ask him to chase the ball or line up or anything else because it is not going to happen. My dreams of having a star quarterback were gone, but have no fear, engineering or medicine is just as profitable and not nearly as deadly. He started having other social difficulties as well. He could interact with children one-on-one, or maybe even in small groups of 3 or 4, but beyond that and we were asking for trouble. He shuts down, and feels ganged up on. The end of his first grade year in school was a living hell for him, and finally ended up in him getting suspended. A bully had chased him under his desk, taunting him and yelling at him, and out of desperation, he screamed "I'm going to kill you!!" at the child. Using the word "kill" automatically gets you suspended. We decided to homeschool after that, keeping his social interactions to Cub Scouts and church functions - both things we could help him acclimate himself in without him getting too overwhelmed.

Red and I have had to grow together a lot. It has taken me a long time to really get used to motherhood and it took me having three other children to understand just how unique he is, and appreciate his mind-blowing qualities, as much as the drawbacks want to make me uncork a huge bottle of wine. I've learned that I am just not trained to equip him with all of the specific tools he is going to need to be successful in life. And now that I've said that, I feel the need to define a few terms:

- Yes, I am looking for a label. I think he needs a label so that we know exactly what constraints we're working with. I know lots of parents that don't need labels, and they are awesome, it works for them. But I need labels. I like labels. They're pretty and make everything all organized and happy. And yes, I have my own label for liking labels, its called borderline obsessive personality. So what? ;)

- I am only equipped to love this child. My heart is my only weapon. But my love for him is not going to be able to help him forever. Eventually, he's going to have to learn how to communicate with other people besides Mom. I can't give him what he needs for that, by definition, we'd be working against ourselves.

- I do not measure success by the number of degrees hanging on a wall, or the amount of dollars in a bank account. Success for Red will be happiness, love, a family with LOTS of kids (he loves loves loves kids), and being able to balance all of those things without daily meltdowns. That being said, I am not going to be upset if Red buys me a cute little beach house for me to retire to and have lots of front porch for the grandkids to clamber all over.

Red turns exactly 11 and a half today. He wanted to make sure I knew that. The last few months have been a roller coaster ride of trying to find him the exact help he needs. I didn't realize how difficult it was to get help for Autism Spectrum Disorder children. Naysayers gripe about how everyone has autism these days and its so easy to diagnose. Pffft. I'd love for any one of them to deal with one - just ONE - phone call that I have to endure just to get an appointment, or find the right doctor. It feels like I've been fighting forever, but I've really only just started. We met with a psychiatrist a couple of weeks ago, but. But but but. She confirmed that Red is certainly on the autism spectrum, but didn't want to begin treating him until after he had a few sessions with one of the counselors that works for her. The counselors don't accept our insurance. So, we start over with a new clinic next week.

In the meantime, the one concern we had been trying to battle was the bed wetting. He's never *not* wet the bed. For the most part, it doesn't really bother him. If he wants to go on a sleepover, he will take a pill (something like an anti-diuretic) that will suppress urine during the night. It is more of a frustration for me than it is for him. The laundry ... the smell - no matter how much I clean, and spray, and deodorize. We did a sleep study, thinking his breathing was affected, but he has perfect air flow. However, he does have a lot of leg movement during the night, and his doctor thinks its due to an iron deficiency, so bring on the iron tablets! We went to a nephrologist today, and it was a positive meeting. I told him I wasn't expecting him to work miracles, as we had long believed Red's system was working fine. He ordered a few tests, but also shared that his own son was a bed-wetter into his teens. Wait and see.

I've been overwhelmed with Red recently. He doesn't always relate well, and the constant explaining of emotions and sarcasm are really starting to wear thin on my patience. He really is a good kid ... he just loses sight of where the lines of social acceptance begin and end. And there are days when I just want to hide in the corner instead of reminding him yet again to chew with his mouth closed, or use manners, or don't hit your baby sister in the head because it hurts her feelings and teaches your baby brother that its ok to hit.

But then we have a day like today. It was just the two of us for several hours, and I was reminded just how funny he is when he's just having a normal conversation. A glimmer or what "normal" is.

Meh, who needs normal. Normal isn't always going to be among the fluffy bunnies.

The first night...

I'm no stranger to my husband working third shift. When he lost his job a couple of years ago, he had been on third for about three years. I'm used to it. I kind of like having my own time at night. I can read without interruption. I can use the entire bed to fold laundry. Most importantly, I can watch stupid tv without a fight for the remote. Yes, people, I watched "The Bachlorette" tonight. I'll admit it.

That being said, it has been a long time. A very long time. During the last two years, I've grown accustomed to having him back with me every evening. And even though we've had a lot of problems recently, things always settled down for us at night and we were able to sleep peacefully, side-by-side.

I know it seems a little melodramatic. After all, he's doing what he can to support our family. And I'll see him first thing in the morning. Our family still has quiet time in the middle of the day (mostly so Mommy can still take a nap - lol), so I'll be able to hang out with him then. And, of course, there's still the two nights a week that he's off.

But ... I still miss him. It's going to be strange learning how to sleep without him again.

I'll probably sleep dead center with my legs sprawled out all over the place. ;)

Sunday's Reflections

Every once in a great while, I find myself standing on the edge of of a new stage of my life - today is one of those days.

As I'm writing this, its 11:00 on Sunday morning. Normally, I'm at church, settled into my favorite seat - second row, middle, just to the left of the slide projector. My husband is next to me, working the computer attached to the slide projector. I'm shushing the Fluffyhead Diva (who hates to sit still and quiet during prayer) and giving the evil eye to Red (who always has to go the bathroom whenever prayer begins). I'm surrounded by my church family, and it feels comfortable and wonderful.

Not this morning.

This morning, I'm sitting in bed watching movies with the kids while Hubby completes his third day of training at work. He will be starting his normal work schedule later tonight, and then our new family schedule will begin. I can't wait!

For the last two years, I have watched my husband sink deeper and deeper into a bog of heartache and self-abhorrence. His self-esteem crumbled into nothingness. He lost his job doing something he adored. It caused him to lose himself. He was happy and excited, and morphed into distant and uninvolved. It broke my heart. I was frustrated watching him. Then I got angry. I even threatened divorce. I don't live by the long-standing assumption that the man has to work and the woman has to stay home and manage the family and home, but I do believe that, as husband, it is his job to ensure and manage our familial success - in whatever form that might look like. I worked for a year of his unemployment, and while I really do love working, we were miserable because he hated staying at home and managing the insanity here, and I hated coming home after a full day of work and still have a home to manage. It was like being a single mom with a really grumpy nanny.

When I lost my job a couple of months ago, I finally put my foot down. Our family wasn't working anymore. He had to get a job and I needed to get the kids back on track with their homeschooling and medical appointments (and there have been a gazillion - but that is definitely a post for a later date). The flow had disappeared from our home. Everything was becoming a struggle, and we were starting to butt heads all day long. I tried to compel him to look for work. Then I begged him to look for a job. Anything - even flipping burgers at a fast food joint, I didn't care! Begging became nagging, which quickly became huge scream fights. He dug his heels in and got to the point where he flat out would not look for a job. One evening, on a lark, he decided to apply at one of the theme parks. The next day, he got an email to schedule an interview. Two days later, he had a job and a training schedule.

And a bounce in his step. And a twinkle in his eye. And the smile that plays so gently on his lips that I fell in love with. Sir Smiley turned 2 last week, and we met some friends for lunch to celebrate him. A very dear friend of mine leaned over to me and said - ever so succinctly, "He's back!" Yes, indeed he is!

So, this morning, he's finishing up his last day of training, then will come home to grab a few hours sleep, then will go back to work tonight at 11pm. He will be working overnight shifts, which will be very interesting around here. When he lost his job two years ago, he was working overnights, but we had a much bigger place then. It was easier for him to sleep. Now, we live in a very small space. Trying to keep the kids halfway quiet is certainly going to be an interesting challenge. Not to mention that we'll have the additional challenge of homeschooling Fluffyhead Diva along with Red. Could be a lot of fun. Or, it could lead me to spend a lot more time on here screaming with insanity and delirium because locking myself in the bathroom or rocking in a corner just isn't an option.

A new stage of our life ... and I'm ecstatic and scared and thrilled and worried. And curious. Very curious to see what is going to happen next.

Satisfaction - and a lack thereof...

I've once again fallen behind on my writing and lost sight of my purpose with this blog. I wish I could tell you that I have this amazing reason, but, I really don't. The fact is that I've been so busy living my life, I haven't been able to write about my life. Additionally, I've been stressed. I started to write to relieve my stress, but looking at the words on the page didn't relieve anything at first, it only made it worse.

But now - of course - I'm dealing with the frustration of not being able to deal with any of the balls I'm juggling. And there are a zillion of them. I can't keep shoving down what I'm feeling. One of these days I'm going to snap and I'll end up wearing a bathrobe and curlers in my hair, walking around Target and muttering things like "I don't need detergent, I wash my clothes with Prell!" or something. Scared of that.

And in the meantime, I'm left with this emptiness. The fact that not only am I not venting, and I'm not resolving, I'm also not learning anything. And that's part of what blogging is about, isn't it? Seeing a progression of our own hearts and minds - and actions? I'm missing the satisfaction of being able to watch myself grow. I need that.

So ... here's to another attempt at writing my way through my life.

Book Review: Safe Haven, Nicholas Sparks

It has been quite a while since I've really picked up a book and read. About time I started again.

Just put down "Safe Haven". I've never read a Sparks book. When Hubby and I first started dating, we saw "The Notebook" and loved it. But, I'm not really a mushy book reader, so I hadn't picked up any of his other works. This story hit a personal note for me, though, and I was able to move beyond the mushy.

The book tells the story of Katie, a woman trying to escape from her abusive husband, and her journey to heal herself and find love again.

I've experienced violence in marriage, it is a very difficult topic to approach and to describe without getting sucked into unnecessary back story and nonsense. Sparks takes a very direct route to abuse, and delves into the psychology behind it. We come to understand the fear that a woman feels when her husband becomes so dominating that he crosses that line. He also ventures into the tightrope an abuser walks between love for himself and hatred for others, verses love of others and hatred of himself.

If I had known that Sparks wrote this much psychology into his stories, I probably would have read him sooner, and I will be reading more of him in the future. I had a lot of self-reflection while reading this. Things that I could have done to stop the abuse, things that he could have done to not be that way. Ways we could have resolved the situation before it became as bad as it did. Could we have fixed it? Who knows. But we might not have gotten that close to killing each other.

Thank you, Nicholas Sparks ... I needed that experience. I needed that closure.

Returning to me

Bless me, Blogger.com, for I have sinned. It has been more than three months since my last blog. In that time, I have read other blogs, written on a few other pages, commented randomly, and even written in an actual journal - with real paper and pen.

I wonder how many blogs I'll have to write to make penance? Eek.

Writing for me comes in waves. It has taken me a while to come to terms with the fact that I have a lot to say, but I don't always say it correctly, and I don't always have time to say it. That has been my issue the past few months.

My job. In February of 2010, I started doing some admin work for the courier company my father worked for. It began as part time, with big promises for something big further down the road. I spent more than a year going up and down in hours, stressing out about the stupidest things, and having days where I did nothing but fight with my dad. But, a job is a job, and in the economy none of us can afford to hate our jobs. After a year, I was asked to leave. I'm not really sure why, to be honest. I think some of it had to do with the budget, but there was some wonky stuff going on, and I think I got caught in the crossfire.

But all clouds have silver linings. While our primary source of income is now gone, I realize just how much I had missed with my children. We're behind where I want to be in homeschooling - not BEHIND... just behind where I WANT to be. The house is disorganized and chaotic. I love my husband more than life itself, but he just does not make a good stay-at-home-mom. So, now he's out looking for work.

The children. Keep me insane. In fact, I think they prefer me there. I think they think its more fun if Mommy is losing it completely. Little do they know just how close I am! We've been dealing with some major issues this year, and it seems like they're all coming to a head at once. The older two are lying like its their job. About stupid things, too. Yesterday:

Me: Red, did you give Sir Smiley an orange like I asked?

Red: Yes.

Me: Are you sure? He doesn't smell all orangey.

Red: Mom, seriously? I wouldn't deny him food. Of COURSE I gave him an orange.

Me: He isn't sticky either. Red, please don't lie about this, I've already had enough this week.

Red: (screaming) I'm not lying!!!

Me: Oh yeah? Then where are the orange peels?

Red: In the trashcan!!

Me: Show me. (and of course, there are no peels) .... So, did you lie?

Red: (muttering) Yes.

Me: .... well ... ok, it isn't important what I said at this point, but it might have involved me saying something about losing my shitake mushrooms.

I just don't get it. Yes, I understand that children are going to test the envelope and push my lines by trying to get out of stuff, and that will include lying. But do you have to be so dense to lie about something that is so easy to prove? *eyeroll*

Medical issues. My kids were all born healthy and happy and in perfect condition with 9's on their Apgars and four gorgeous heads full of hair. And they all did fine ... until now. And now I'm spending the entire months of March and April going back and forth and back and forth seeing all of these doctors and specialists and its making me freaking tired. I am so very grateful that there is nothing serious. None of them have holes in their heart, or cancer, or any number of other scary things that would keep us up at night with fear and tears. They just have a lot of pesky things that are time consuming and bothersome.

Red has never grown out of wetting the bed. But, now we have a reason ... it turns out he has sleep apnea. Princess is healthy, just a girl on the edge of tween-ism, and that's scary enough. Fluffyhead Diva is facing surgery on her eyes because she has strabisimis (cross-eyed). Sir Smiley still isn't speaking at 22 months and is being seeing for a developmental delay, and he also might have to have tubes put into his ears for chronic ear infections. As we deal with their appointments over the coming months, I'll get into more detail. But this past month alone, we've had several visits to various doctors just to figure out what's going on with them.

The diet. I've recently started to get healthier. I have good weeks and bad weeks, and my progress is slow. But for the first time in my life, I'm actually motivated and have a REAL support system in place. That's worth its weight in gold.

In fact ... my gym buddy just pulled up for an afternoon workout, so I must go. But, I will end with this. I'm not always going to be consistent in my writing, but I miss it. And I will start writing more often, because even though I don't always have time to write, and even though I'm not always sure of what I'm saying ... eventually it all has to be said, and I think I sometimes say it very well.

It is GREAT to be back!!