Even More Growth

I guess when growth starts to happen in some areas, it becomes a locomotive, gaining speed and momentum. After all of the things that took place last weekend, the week kept going - and growing.

Tuesday afternoon, Fluffyheaded Diva joined Princess for her first ever Girl Scout meeting. Wow. It seems like just yesterday that Princess and I were signing up for her first year. We'd have our meetings at my dining room table - I was the troop leader - and Fluffyheaded Diva would sit in her high chair gumming Cheerios. Now? She's the one learning the promise and the handshake. So proud of my girls...

The big huge news is Red tho... after many years of talking, praying, debating, praying, explaining, and more praying... he finally accepted Christ as his Savior. I have never been so proud of my sweet guy. For years, he's understood and believed that God sent His only Son for our salvation ... but there was a wall in his heart when it came to actually feeling that Christ didn't just come for "us" or for "people" ... but for HIM. This week, he broke down that wall. It was amazing!

Father God, I am so grateful for my children. I am so thankful that You have given them to me and trust me to love them and care for them and train them up in your ways.

I am blessed.

Growth Happens

This is seriously one of those times in my life where growth is just happening, and I've got the growing pains to prove it. I'm learning more about where I want to be in my life, and the steps I'm supposed to take to get there. I'm having a particularly difficult time dealing with the juxtaposition of knowing that I'm "supposed to be" this sophisticated mom of four children who is experienced and intelligent ... yet, I FEEL like I'm back in middle school and hugely awkward and icky. I often find myself obsessed with wondering if other people experience this feeling as well ... or is it really just me? THAT thought scares me. What if I'm the ONLY one who feels this way?!? So many of my friends just seem like they know who they are ... and I don't have a clue. What if I NEVER figure out who I am?!?

Didn't know when you clicked on my blog today that you'd be getting a huge helping of paranoid ramblings, did you? Sorry about that.

In related news, my kids are experiencing some growth of their own. Princess turned 10 this weekend. I *know*. Wasn't it just yesterday that she was learning to walk? her awesomeness is overwhelming, though, and she's every bit as independent as I was at that age. She had a tea party for her friends and her party game of choice was to play "Pin the Mustache on the Bieber". bwahahahaha

Red had a growth achievement of his own this weekend. We too him shoe shopping and he's now officially a size 7. Men's. Really? At this rate, his feet will be bigger than mine by the end of the year, and my feet aren't dainty by ANY means. He also got a laptop from my dad. I was a little iffy on this point, but Hubby went to great lengths to put all kinds of parental controls on it, and I think he'll be okay. I just don't understand how they got so big...

Growth.... part of the Fluffy Bunny plan?

Hate the Player - Not the Game

Reading this morning about the claims that Tim Tebow is a blasphemer, and the ruckus started by such a statement. I'm equally heartbroken and amazed at what has transpired.

‎To be honest, I'm still on the heels of the sermon given a few weeks ago at my church about how the Prosperity Gospel affects so many people - lures them in and deceives them. It seems as if the writer of the original story thinks this is what is going on with Tebow.

But I want to shine two really really bright lights here: It is NOT our place to judge the true heart of any person - including believers. AND - there is a huge difference in believing in the prosperity gospel ... and having a strong faith in God and having good things come to you.

I want to hang there for just a minute. Those of you that know me and love me know that I'm a DIE-HARD Gator fan. Some of us really argue about that point, but whatevs, it is what it is. I liked Tebow - primarily because he was a Gator -... I'm fickle like that. From what I've read, from what I've seen, from what I do know about him, he seems to be an upstanding kid, with a strong faith in God. He has done many charitable things, and when pushed, seems to know what he's talking about religiously. From my nosebleed seats, I would say "Christian".

Anyone who follows college football knows his skills as a quarterback. Regardless of what you think about him, he has two national titles and a Heisman. The best college QB in history? Debatable. The most amazing out there right now? Possibly. The most sensational - DEFINITELY. Sadly, though, I think its for all the wrong reasons.

But is he awesome because he's a Christian? Or is he a Christian because he's awesome? .... and that seems to be the big question at hand.

I think its EASY to be a Christian when life is going good. Whether its because your bank account ...is more black than red and you have a nice house and healthy family ... or because you're a top-round draft pick. True faith gets tested when you're homeless, dying, and life is sacking you. True faith is something that shines through no matter how difficult your circumstances are.

But does Tebow fall into that category? It is not taking into account that his parents were Christians and taking him to church before the spotlight hit him in high school as one of the best players in the country. It is not taking into account that he became a Christian before he was handed a Heisman. It is not our place to say "he's got it easy so sure its easy to give the glory to God".

You want my honest opinion? Let the next season play out however it does, and worry more about the unlawful payments to players in Miami. Let Tebow continue to show his faith in God however he chooses, and let him continue helping the charities the way he has been this entire time.

God should let fluffy bunnies play football.

Married to the 3rd Shift

Every night at about 9:30, my sweet hubby kisses me on the forehead and heads out the door to work. I am so very proud of him, and how hard he works. But, having a third-shift husband has a whole different set of challenges. In case you've never been down this road, allow me to illuminate the path for you.

This is our second stint into Third Shift World. Before my husband got laid off from his job two years ago, he worked nights. It wasn't so bad, then. Things were a little more quite and controlled. But our life is much more chaotic now, and it makes his return to third a lot more frustrating - for both of us.


Dilemma #1: What free time?

During the day, he sleeps and I run with the kids. During the evening, he's preparing for work. Our weekend is in the middle of the week, when the rest of the world still thinks we need to run on "real" time, and we still have things like doctor's appointments to keep us on our toes.


Dilemma #2: Muzzles on 2-year-olds are illegal

Red bosses around Fluffyheaded Diva and makes her scream. Fluffyheaded Diva annoys Sir Smiley and he screams. Sir Smiley gets mad at Red and hits him, and then Red yells. And so the cycle continues. All. Day. LONG. Hubby doesn't sleep nearly as deeply as he should, nor as long as he should, and I'm a ragged mess with pulled-out hair and my lips permanently pursed into the "shush" position.


Dilemma #3: Dinner for breakfast

Meals no longer make sense in this house. When Hubby walks in the door, he doesn't want bacon and eggs, he wants a cheeseburger. My tummy never knows what to expect anymore. I knew it was bad the other day when Fluffy asked for cereal and mashed potatoes. *sigh*


Dilemma #4: Writing blogs at 2:30 in the morning

Yeah, that's what time it is right now. My sleep schedule is so far from normal, I'm not sure it will ever return. No one to snuggle with, no one to make fun of stupid people on TV with, and no one to get up and shut off the lights and make sure the a/c is set on the correct temperature. I just haven't been able to sleep as well without him here lately.


*~*

All that being said, there are some silver linings ... the time that we spend together is so very much more precious than it used to be. Also, in this economy, no one really wants to argue about having a job. We can do fun things when everyone else is in work or school, and that's been a huge benefit over the years.

Too bad none of that balances out the empty side of the bed....

The Tradition of Being Broken

Last week was a devastating travesty for me. I suffered no injury, no loss. My husband and children are all healthy and safe. My parents - and Hubby's - are all still okay.

Yet ... the pain I feel is one of the most significantly hurtful times in my life. This week, I systematically shut down every single part of my life. I became hurtful and hateful and self-loathing. I morphed into a bad mommy. I don't know how my husband put up with me.

I gave up on life.

I've suffered from depression for as long as I can remember. At one point, a doctor decided I was borderline bi-polar. Never before has the disease made me so screwed up as it did this week. I became a fetid lump of rage and pain. And it was contagious, it spread to my entire family. I build myself up in my head that I am this supermom: I homeschool, we're a scouting family, we're involved in the church, blahblahblah. Yet, at the end of the week, I looked around me and saw nothing but hurt, destruction, despair and anger. My husband even missed a night of work trying to deal with all of the stupidity. No schooling got done, nothing was decided about scouting. All the talking I do about how awesome I am died a pitiful, penniless death.

I woke up this morning, and I knew that I needed to figure out how to end the emptiness. God must have known I was hurting, because He provided just the right words for me to hear from our pastor. Today's teaching was Mark 7:1-13 - wherein Christ calls the Scribes and Pharisees on the carpet for enforcing a religious tradition that isn't even biblical. We all fill our lives with things that separate us from God. Unnecessary traditions, addictions, distractions ... we all know what stands in the way of finding the comfort we need in the arms of Christ.

Realization struck. I have made a tradition of depression. It is more than an addiction now ... it is a full-fledged repetition of events in a ceremonial manner. How did I let myself fall this far? How did I create such a gaping hole in not just my relationships with my husband and children - but GOD?! I did not intend this to happen, I certainly didn't realize that it was happening. I just woke up and there it was. I have let so many things abuse my time and attention, I have let the pain and hurt in my life run me over.

It ends TODAY.

I will return to the life I wanted for myself. Homeschool will be better, Scouts will be more fun, appointments will get made, my marriage will be happier. Most importantly, my relationship with God will grow deeper. I desperately desire a better life for me and my family. I desperately desire to grow closer to my Savior. I can't have one or the other, I can have both ... as long as I put my faith in Christ - FIRST. I can have both, if I just leave my tradition of depression and pain on the side of the road. My God does not want me to hurt and to bear these burdens any more, and that is why He sent me His Son.

I can do this. In HIM, I can do anything!!!

Gearing up for a new season

I have a friend that is the ultimate soccer mom. She has four kids, and all of them play - the two older kids are already getting scouted. I have watched her for a couple of years now, driving all over the place, sometimes going in two or three different directions at one time. I've seen her try and balance a budget and take on extra work so she can pay for all the insanity.

For the last couple of years I have claimed that she is entirely out of her mind. This year, I join her in the madness.

Red is embarking on his first full year of Boy Scouts. Boy Scouts is a LOT more expensive and time-intensive than Cub Scouts ever was. The plus side, however, is that ~I~ don't have to do as much work for it. We're also bringing piano back for him, and adding in guitar. There is also a real possibility that he could be starting some sort of martial arts training, but that is still undecided.

Princess is still chugging along in Girl Scouts, and I'm excited to return this year myself. I won't be leading this year - yay - but I'll still be around and I love working with the girls. Princess has also started golfing and is doing quite well and showing real promise. She truly loves the sport and being out in the sun, and while she may not be on the LPGA Tour someday, the important thing is how much fun she has!

This is the year that the Fluffyheaded Diva rocks it out hardcore. She'll be starting Girl Scouts - in the same troop as her big sister, and she is over the moon excited! We've also decided some dance classes would do her some good - give her a little bit of focus and maybe help her with her balance. But the big thing is the pageant that she wants to do. It will be in a couple of months, and we're still a little on the fence, so we'll see. We would be doing a Natural instead of the Glitz - Toddlers and Tiaras? No thank you. We shall see how all that plays out.

Sir Smiley, of course, is still too young for any of this stuff, so I'm just going to sit back and enjoy snuggling him while the rest of the kids go crazy. At least for now. He already has an arm to rival Dan Marino, so as soon as he's old enough for football, we're going in.

The dollar signs and the driving are already making me a little sick to my stomach, and we haven't even really started yet. It is going to be a lot of fun to see how the rest of the year plays out!

When Healing Happens

Today, I'm doing a little bit of research on Christ healing the masses and it is giving me a lot of insight into my own heart.

I have done so much in my life that has caused pain. I almost destroyed myself, and I hurt so many other people around me. I have spent many years asking forgiveness - from God, from others.... from myself. But am I healed? Because some of those mistakes, I've made again. And again.

When I think of healing, I think of a scab that sometimes gets picked off over and over. How can that wound heal if I keep damaging the one thing that is supposed to be healing? When do I learn how to just be better, be stronger, be healed?

I can't sit here at this screen and find the solution to inner pain and turbulence. I don't have an easy answer for you. The only thing I can tell you is to keep trusting God. Keep praying. Eventually, the peace will come. I've seen it in my own life - in some areas. In others, I just keep picking that scab.

Gone Again...

Another 2.5 months that I've disappeared. You would think that as much as I love to write and how therapeutic it is for me, I'd be typing up never-ending diatribes daily. Yeah.... no.

So much has happened the past few months. The two littles had surgery, my dad moved in with us, craziness all around is ensuing. But, I think ... more than anything else ... my brain is just overwhelmed. I've been hurting. I've been sad. More than anything, THAT should be the reason to come back and write more. Instead, I've hidden away from one of the things that helps most.

Sometimes I just don't make no sense.