Last week was a devastating travesty for me. I suffered no injury, no loss. My husband and children are all healthy and safe. My parents - and Hubby's - are all still okay.
Yet ... the pain I feel is one of the most significantly hurtful times in my life. This week, I systematically shut down every single part of my life. I became hurtful and hateful and self-loathing. I morphed into a bad mommy. I don't know how my husband put up with me.
I gave up on life.
I've suffered from depression for as long as I can remember. At one point, a doctor decided I was borderline bi-polar. Never before has the disease made me so screwed up as it did this week. I became a fetid lump of rage and pain. And it was contagious, it spread to my entire family. I build myself up in my head that I am this supermom: I homeschool, we're a scouting family, we're involved in the church, blahblahblah. Yet, at the end of the week, I looked around me and saw nothing but hurt, destruction, despair and anger. My husband even missed a night of work trying to deal with all of the stupidity. No schooling got done, nothing was decided about scouting. All the talking I do about how awesome I am died a pitiful, penniless death.
I woke up this morning, and I knew that I needed to figure out how to end the emptiness. God must have known I was hurting, because He provided just the right words for me to hear from our pastor. Today's teaching was Mark 7:1-13 - wherein Christ calls the Scribes and Pharisees on the carpet for enforcing a religious tradition that isn't even biblical. We all fill our lives with things that separate us from God. Unnecessary traditions, addictions, distractions ... we all know what stands in the way of finding the comfort we need in the arms of Christ.
Realization struck. I have made a tradition of depression. It is more than an addiction now ... it is a full-fledged repetition of events in a ceremonial manner. How did I let myself fall this far? How did I create such a gaping hole in not just my relationships with my husband and children - but GOD?! I did not intend this to happen, I certainly didn't realize that it was happening. I just woke up and there it was. I have let so many things abuse my time and attention, I have let the pain and hurt in my life run me over.
It ends TODAY.
I will return to the life I wanted for myself. Homeschool will be better, Scouts will be more fun, appointments will get made, my marriage will be happier. Most importantly, my relationship with God will grow deeper. I desperately desire a better life for me and my family. I desperately desire to grow closer to my Savior. I can't have one or the other, I can have both ... as long as I put my faith in Christ - FIRST. I can have both, if I just leave my tradition of depression and pain on the side of the road. My God does not want me to hurt and to bear these burdens any more, and that is why He sent me His Son.
I can do this. In HIM, I can do anything!!!