I've been taught that the Bible instructs me that anger isn't a sin, but what comes from your anger can be sinful.
Today, I have sinned.
Today, my anger with the situation with Red, and with another frustrating situation going on (that I can't write about, sorry. Maybe someday.) ... everything overflowed. I spent most of the day doing some miscellaneous chores, and puttering on the computer. I didn't get anything significant accomplished. And then tonight, I blew up. I yelled at Princess for something that is beyond her control, and I yelled at the Ex. No, I don't agree with how he's handling things right now, and I'm honest about that. But should I have yelled at either of them? No. Not even a little bit.
Sidebar: Ex and Princess, if you are reading this, I truly am sorry. I'll be giving both of you more personal apologies in the morning. But ... wanted to get it out there. xo
After that, I had to stop and think why I'm really angry. I'm angry at the system. I'm angry at the way Red's case worker acts like she doesn't even care - seriously, she left the courtroom in the middle of the trial. She didn't even stick around to see what happened. I know her caseload is heavy, but give me a flippin break. She doesn't act like she cares at ALL.
I'm angry at the judicial system and the hoops we have to jump through to be able to get Red the help he needs. I'm angry that the judge is going to flip out on me because of things that haven't been completed in our case plan - like counseling. But I can't get the counseling, the caseworker is supposed to set that up, and she hasn't.
I'm just angry.
And oh so sad.
Again, I know that there is going to be an end to this, and that good things are going to come out of this. But the walk getting there is not easy. It is filled with burdens and fears, it is overwhelmed with exhaustion and sadness. But I know I can do it. I'm doing it with all of you that have sent me messages of love and encouragement. Friends that have told me they're in similar boats and have looked to me for guidance. (me?!? what?!?! are you people crazy?!? lol)
So, the real question is what to do with my anger until then? I'm considering buying a punching bag and some gloves ;)
((((HUG))))) First, you need to do something physical (and by that I mean something constructive AND physical. If you can't run around the block, walk around the block again and again and again!) Your body wasn't created to hold in that amount of stress for long term --- you need to let some of it out.
ReplyDeleteNext, you need friends to pray for you. And knowing you, this one is already being taken care of :-)
After that you need to put your efforts toward the things that you know you can directly control and influence. Anything past that (i.e. the case worker's attitude) is in God's territory.
And finally, scriptures to mull over before things get to the boiling point. Two that have really helped me: Gal 6:9 Let us not grow weary in doing good for in due season we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Psalm 27:11-13 Teach me Your way, O Lord, And lead me in a smooth path, because of my enemies. Do not deliver me to the will of my adversaries;
For false witnesses have risen against me, And such as breathe out violence. I would have lost heart, unless I had believed That I would see the goodness of the Lord In the land of the living.
Praying for you and your family!
Lisa, you are seriously one of the most powerful women in my life - thank you so much for your constant love and support and prayer. xoxo
ReplyDeleteContinuing prayer for you and your family dear sis. Boy has the gloves you can borrow :) Let God handle the rest. I love you!
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