Sunday, February 3, 2013

A train wreck state of mind...

Confession time:  I deal with major pride and self-esteem issues, as well as feeling bitter and vulnerable, and over-licking my wounds.  I need to wear The Cone of Shame.  

Lately, I've been struggling with a ton of drama.  I hate calling it drama, but really, there is just no other word for it.  I'm feeling torn between things that I want to do, things that I need to do, knowing that I really just need to take a day and curl up in bed with a book and sleep it out, and feeling that I "owe" something to somebody - just don't ask me what that is, because I haven't the faintest idea.

I feel like I'm carrying this giant weight of "I've been totally WRONGED, and somebody must PAY, and I DESERVE an apology!" ... but do I, really?  The person who "wronged" me hasn't done it on purpose, and doesn't even know that I'm hurt.  Yet, I'm sulking around with a huge chip on my shoulder, acting like somebody just ran over my dog.

Am I the only one that struggles through this marsh of self-pity?  Considering all of the cruddy attitudes in this world, I sincerely doubt it.  How do we deal with it?  How do we teach ourselves to focus on the rainbow that we know is on the other side of the storm?  There's the obvious things that we hear all the time: prayer, spend time in God's word, speak with a pastor or a friend, or maybe even fast.  I believe that all of these things work, I don't doubt them, or their existence, or their power.  But I am still a human - and I want an answer RIGHT NOW.  I want to feel better RIGHT NOW.  I don't want to wait for prayer, or thumb through the Bible until I find something that works for me.  I want to gripe and complain and wallow and stomp around and cry until someone hits  me in the head and tells me to shut up so they can fix it - in ten words or less.

Yeah, I'm demanding, I know.  And kind of a train wreck.

I know when I wake up tomorrow, I'll open my Bible and read and feel inspired, and I'll take down Monday like nobody's business.  I will put my SuperMom cape on and fold all the laundry, and lesson plan, and be all awesome.  But today?  Today I feel comfortable in my pain.  

Here's the thing, y'all ... and I want you to pay REALLY close attention here, okay?  This is important.  We have emotions like pain, sadness, grief, and self-pity for a reason.  Should we stay stuck in them for days, weeks, and months at a time?  Ummm... NO.  But, I do feel very strongly that we have to experience these emotions for a few moments so that we have balance.

How can we appreciate the good days without the bad days?  How can we get through the bad days without the promise of good days?  

So, for tonight, I'm going to snuggle down in my bed with my computer, watch the Superbowl with my way-understanding Hubby, yell at the game, and laugh at the commercials.  Tomorrow?  LOOK OUT, I'm coming for you!!

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